[Ctrl-P] Dean Burnett: My antidote to celebrities who promote homeopathy

Dean Burnett - James EllingtonWaarschijnlijk is elk half woord dat Team GB spurter James Ellington zegt over de 100 en 200 meter meer dan de moeite waard. Wat hij echter uit zijn fors gespierde nek lult over homeopathie, kan me al minder boeien. Nochtans vond de Britse krant The Mirror het onlangs nodig om Ellington en andere celebrities te laten opdraven in het artikel Homeopathic healing: The stars who swear by alternative medicineAnekdotische bewijsvoering, liefst door Bekende Koppen, is nog steeds de geliefkoosde tactiek van Big Homeo om zichzelf te verantwoorden en te promoten. En vaak ook de enige.

Hoog tijd, zo vond Dean Burnett, om de rollen om te draaien. En niet zo maar een beetje. In plaats van fictieve verhalen door Bekende Koppen, voert Burnett fictieve Koppen (en Ogen) op die vertellen over geneeskunde in zijn hilarisch artikel My antidote to celebrities who promote homeopathy (The Guardian, 16 augustus 2012). We citeren er enkele.

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Sleeping Beauty, Princess, 116 (allegedly)

Dean Burnett - Sleeping BeautyWhen I was 16 years old, I accidentally cut my finger on an archaic sewing machine which someone had left lying around. The infection I got from this rusty device ended up triggering an autoimmune response which attacked the areas of my brain that produce hypocretin, which lead to me developing my pronounced and persistent narcolepsy.

My being a princess meant my parents explained this embarrassing illness in someone of royal blood via some elaborate propaganda about fairies and a worryingly non-consensual “awakening” by my arranged husband, but the truth is that medical science came to my aid and helped me deal with my condition. I now take regular dexamphetamine sulphate to alleviate the symptoms, and have a prescribed sleep regimen to help me cope better with the disorder. I am now a functional adult, thanks to medical science.

Admittedly, there is the possible side effect of hallucinations, but when you live in a fairy tale castle it’s hard to tell whether that’s happening or not.

Lara Croft, archaeologist and thief, 44 (apparently)

Dean Burnett - Lara CroftAs someone who essentially defiles ancient crypts in inaccessible locations for a living, my chosen profession involves a lot of acrobatics, such as somersaults, flips and long distance leaps. Regular activity of this sort would lead to tremendous physical stress on anyone’s body. But when you have rather disproportionate breasts like mine, it meant even an greater strain on my neck and back.

Thankfully, medical science has refined breast reduction surgery to the point where it is a relatively safe and common procedure, so I was able to reduce my breast size before I did some serious damage to myself and put a premature stop to my adventuring.

Sauron, Dark Lord and jeweller, 50,000+

Dean Burnett - SauronRaising an army of pure evil to conquer all of Middle-earth is a demanding task, particularly when you’re just an eye, albeit a giant fiery one. As my eye is all I’ve got, I make sure it’s well cared for by the best medicine available. This is doubly important when working with hot metals and other substances (as I do regularly), as you risk photokeratitis, so I always endeavour to perform these tasks in a safe manner (ie getting orcs to do it. I’ve always got plenty of those).

Being a flaming eye means I’m prone to all manner of eye injuries and conditions, but medical science has created remedies for the majority of these, from antibiotics and creams, to a simple Optrex wash. All help to keep me a watchful and aware force of pure evil.

Some minions in the past have suggested alternative medicine to me. They’re all dead now. Using magic to heal ailments? Do I look like an elf?

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